As news networks shifted their focus to the Biden presidency, Americans were denied insights into the most intriguing moment of the 2020 presidential election: Rudy Giuliani’s Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference. Americans have asked, wait what? Where? Really? How? Why? But really, why? Several key insiders have sat down with us to offer their accounts of this historic event.
Rudolph W. Giuliani (Personal Attorney to President Donald J. Trump): People think I’m some kind of idiot for holding a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Like I don’t know the difference between a landscaper and a frankly mediocre…
In a large mansion in a wealthy American suburb, there lived a youth with the most gentle manners. Candide had lived his entire life sheltered from the dangers and realities of the world. Candide was privately tutored by Pangloss, a renowned and respected political philosopher and cable news pundit. Pangloss instilled in Candide the understanding that America was the best of all possible countries in the world.
As the coronavirus pandemic unfolded throughout the world, Candide was not concerned. It was a Chinese virus, he thought. Because America was the best of all possible countries in the world, such a…
As I walk down the street my eyes lock with Gary from sales. “Goddamnit,” I mutter quietly to myself. He’s the kind of guy who calls everyone “bud” or “bro” but isn’t actually close to anyone. I steel myself, preparing to be trapped in a conversation for at least 15 minutes. I’ll only be able to escape by agreeing to go for drinks at some indeterminate point in the future, just as I have half a dozen times before without follow-through. But he just walks by.
Dumbfounded, I stop dead in my tracks, remembering that I’m wearing a mask. I…
June 9, 11:17 PM
Shane: Yo Drake! Whaddup?
Shane: It’s ya boy Spinner!!
June 12, 9:02 AM
Shane: Hey, Aubrey. It’s Shane.
Shane: Shane Kippel
Shane: From Degrassi. Remember?
Shane: lol of course you remember. Just joking!
June 18, 11:13 PM
Shane: Do you still use this number?
June 21, 2:00 PM
Shane: Remember when we did that reunion music video? That was fun! We should do it again!
July 5, 7:08 PM
Drake: forgot i gave you this number. video was 🔥🔥🔥
Shane: YES!!! We should do it again!
Walking through my local supermarket, my eyes were drawn to a sight that was at once both odd and strangely familiar: a pallet of Campbell’s tomato soup cans labelled in the style of an Andy Warhol screenprint. I thought to myself, “am I still at a Loblaws Supermarket in Toronto or have I been magically transported to MoMA in New York City?”
I haven’t teleported, I realized quickly — but not as quickly as I’d like to admit. I was still in a Toronto supermarket. The labels indicated that they’re mere imitations of Warhol. They’re limited edition cans marking the…
Matthew Seely is a writer and performer based in Toronto. His works have appeared at McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Points in Case and others.